I picture my final days on earth, if I know that I am going to die, as days pondering the trip that I'm about to take to heaven. Spending most of my time anticipating my first time SEEING Jesus. Also the new health that I would have and seeing family members that are already in heaven. I also suspect that during my final days I'd feel closer to God - more than any other time in my life.
I talked to both my Grandma and my Dad just days before they died. I wondered if they felt the presence of angels or even Jesus. I should have asked them but I didn't. We didn't speak of their upcoming trip to heaven. We mainly had small talk and sat in denial of what was happening. I've regretted that.
I feel as though I missed the chance to hear what was on their mind. Actually, was it rude to not talk about what was mainly on their mind possibly.... their upcoming trip?
Now my husband's brother, Dean, is dying. Dean and I have had a relationship where he has talked to me about his faith. One time he shared his frustration with his parents' Catholic beliefs. He had tried to tell them basically that they weren't automatically saved through baptism .... that they had to have a personal relationship with Jesus. He was at the time attending a Baptist church with friends. So..... even though I doubt if Dean has attended any church for years, I know about his faith in God. So I set out tonight to have a conversation with Dean. No regrets this time......
On my way to the hospital I started doubting my decision to do this. I didn't want to make Dean uncomfortable. I didn't want to preach or give him the illusion that I was going to preach - that was my plan. So I started praying. I asked God to put the right words in my mouth. The words to make Dean comfortable and allow Dean to teach me what it's like to die..... and let him talk about what's on his mind.
This is what happened:
I entered the elevator with strong doubts about the purpose of the visit. When I found Dean, there was a nurse attending him. He was glad to see me. We talked very little while the nurse worked. I could tell that Dean was in a lot of pain. His eyes were closed most of the time and he'd grimace occasionally as the nurse worked. I was tempted to say "Well Dean, I just stopped by to say Hi. I'll let the nurse do her thing and maybe I'll stop by another day." (That would have been so easy.... and I'm sure Dean wouldn't have minded. He didn't look like he felt like talking anyway.) But I stayed......
When the nurse left, I pulled up a chair to Dean's bed side. Small talk was awkward and pointless. So I came right out with it. This was our conversation, best as I can remember it. (By the way, I felt God's help and the most of the conversation flowed and was comfortable.)
Me: Dean, I know you have a heart for God. I am so glad that you have your faith to get you thru this. You look like you are in so much pain.
Dean: Yes. I've repented all my sins. I know that I have to do that. And I told God "You've got to help me through this Buddy." (Dean was wide awake now and very talkative making constant eye contact.)
Me: One of the reasons that I came to see you is to see what you are feeling.....experiencing. I feel that you have knowledge, wisdom insight (I couldn't find the right word) that you can teach me. You are going through something that the rest of us have never experienced.
Dean: (Chuckle) I've never experienced this before either.
note: now big doubts just set in and I felt like I was putting him on the spot. He obviously was thinking about his pain..... not heaven. I became uncomfortable.
Me: (apologizing) I am probably wrong. I just thought that you might have something to share with me....like a feeling of closeness to God right now knowing that you will be taking a trip to Heaven. Just think, you will be pain free, running and jumping, seeing our Lord! and even your dad.....
Dean: I thought that I DID see Dad the other day... walking down the hallway. I called out to him. It wasn't him.
I laughed.
Dean: I always remember your laugh. ..... A guy wrote a book about heaven.....(Dean started fumbling with the remote control) Here can you see where the mute button is?
I muted the TV. Obviously Dean was liking our conversation and wanted to talk more. (relief on my part, but unfortunately because of the distraction Dean forgot to finish his story.)
We talked about Dean's pain and I asked if we should pray about it. Without hesitation Dean loudly answered yes. I took his hand and we prayed..... not for healing but for easing some of the pain.... and that Dean will feel God's presence and comfort....etc)
After the prayer ended, Dean held onto my hand for a long time. We talked more small talk and I said that I should get going. He motioned that he wanted to give me a hug. I bent down and hugged him and told him that I loved him. (Brother-sister love of course) As I left the room, Dean said Barb I love you. Come back when you can. (I got the feeling that he'd like to talk again soon)
I am looking forward to our next conversation.
Note: That next conversation never took place. Dean died shortly after I posted this message.
